A Sound Solution to an Age Old Problem

There’s a funny thing about old people – eventually we all turn into them. As our tolerance for loud music gets lower and our pants higher, we start judging those less gnarled and crusty than ourselves with a sort of snobbish disdain. While some might age gracefully, attaining a zen-like outlook on youth and the circle of life in general, they are a small minority, and this post is not about them.

Kids these days! What's to be done?

No, this post is about the people who regard youth, with a green, bitter envy – after all, the young ones will live, while we old farts will surely die first. Not fair! In fact, in my days, those snot-nosed whipper-snappers did not talk sass to their elders like kids today – they were too busy fighting off hungry wolves with their asbestos-lined schoolbags on their ten mile hike to school through the arctic permafrost. And forget about packing lunches – we had to KILL for our food with our bare hands. So if you came to class without a uniform covered in blood and entrails, and with all your limbs attached – that’s a paddlin’!

Seriously though, rowdy teenagers with their dangerous-looking haircuts and unintelligible slang may certainly be (in our vivid senility-laced imaginations, at least) a menace to South Central – but going to such great lengths as some neighborhoods in Rotterdam, Denmark, to deter the little devils from hanging around in the streets by installing a “teen repellent” system known as The Mosquito, seems downright excessive.

What is this high tech solution to an age-old problem? The Mosquito is a simple device that emits a high-frequency sound that is audible only to those 25 and younger – any older than that, and our hearing deteriorates enough that we don’t perceive the annoying – and headache-inducing – buzz. This is similar to those noise-based pet discipline devices they sell to keep your mangy mutt in line. And for those lucky ones who are still hanging on to their youthful sense of hearing past 25 – sucks to be you!

“Where are we supposed to hang out?” asks one of the prepubescent interlopers. The answer is clear – the sewers. The deep and cavernous sewage networks of Denmark would be a great place to play and develop the sort of social skills kids will need to get ahead in their society. Perhaps with the aid of a giant hyper intelligent rodent sensei, they will develop the good manners, team spirit, and martial arts abilities which will help them truly come out of their (half?) shells, as it were, and help reduce Rotterdam’s crime problems yet further.

Some would say it is clearly an overreaction on the part of business owners and the authorities – but an overreaction that equates to lucrative profits for Rhine Consulting Group, the company importing Mosquitoes into Denmark. Little do they know what they are setting themselves – and their customers – up for.

“It makes the kids irritable and aggressive. It makes them want to tear the device off the wall,” warns Jan Schelleken, a Charlois social worker critical of the devices. You are quite right, Jan. Your cranium is next in line – these skateboarding bozos will stop at nothing to get at the delicious gray matter within. And you think teens are vulnerable, what about the effects on small children and babies? Even if there is no long term hearing damage, spontaneous combustion, or rapid-onset zombism, being subjected to unnecessary environmental stresses such as this doesn’t do anyone’s sanity much good. Where do families spend time with their children? The Mosquito does not differentiate between kids loitering, and families enjoying their day together.

As a member of the ‘over 25′ gang, I suppose I am safe from the ill effects of this device. But I can’t help but wonder if it is it right to assume that young people create unrest and crime simply by playing in the street and ‘hanging out’, and to treat each of them like some sort of biblical plague?

Like wine, genocide is better with age.

There are bad seeds in every age group. Joseph Stalin, for example, came into office at the tender age of 44 – a great age for genocide. Old Joe S. was just one year younger than the monster Adolf Hitler, 45, also starting a productive career of murdering people in large numbers. Another couple of years, and Vladimir Lenin, 47, leads the Communist revolution, destroying many lives. A decade to live, and we have the mediocre lame duck president, George W. Bush, making his grand entrance – shock and awe in attendance – at the age of 55. One more year gone by, and liar-liar Richard Nixon, 56, takes the oval office by storm, Watergate and all.

Seems to me like the 40-and-up crowd creates much more damage to society than the headphone-sporting hookey-playing anklebiters. Should society be taking safeguards to ensure this far more dangerous age group remains contained as well?

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